Countdown to 55

In less than 70 days, I will be 55 years old.  How did I get this old so fast? Where did that time go? What have I done in those 55 years, that got me to this point in life?  Who am I? Am I the same person that I was in this photo?  What about this photo… who is that guy?

A close friend, told me that it was 75 days till his 50^th birthday.  Which got me to think about how many days it was till my own birthday.  I have posted about my birthday’s before… my mid 40’s and my 50^th. But this one is different.  It has been weighing on me for a while. Actually since, Thanksgiving I have been thinking about my age and turning 55. Lately I have borne my thought by writing and never really knew I had so much to say till now.

People say… oh you’re hitting double nickels, you are now as old as the highway speed limit or when I was 55, we didn’t have a two-dollar bill (that one threw me off for a second, as the $2 bill was introduced in 1862).   But the number itself has meaning.  I am now an official senior citizen is some states.  I can double up on my 401k deposits (but I think that I was able to do that when I turned 50… right?).  I can qualify a lower car insurance premium (well not in NJ as we have the highest rates in the world).

But the questions that I started this post with are rolling around in my head.  They have now caused me to write about them.   Most know that I am no David M Salkin (professional author and high school friend) when it comes to writing.  But a can tell a story better than Walt Disney himself.  So, let’s try to tell this story by answering the questions above. This may just be a preview of the book that I should write.   

How did I get this old so fast?  It seems like yesterday that we moved from NYC in the early 70’s to Howell Twp.  This was the start of life in NJ.  A simpler time and life; before the video games, internet and cell phones.  When you were allowed out till the street lights came on and you had to eat what was put on your plate. We moved in with my Dad’s parents at first, while my parents searched for a house.  Time accelerated when the State of NJ told my parents that the house they bought from the state and moved from Freehold to Howell that the land was being acquired to finish Interstate 195 from Trenton to Belmar.   My parents (and most of the relatives that lived on our street) had to find a new home.  That is when 232 ¼ Georgia Tavern Road was built and we moved in.  We lived in this house till myself and my siblings had moved out in our 20’s. While I had moved back briefly before I purchased the first house in Hazlet. My mom kept the house for a little while after her divorce with my dad.  I sometimes drive past that house and look at the two pine trees that are at the driveway apron.  They were Christmas trees that we had in the house and I planted them with my dad. 

Where did that time go?  This is a good question.  But the answer to it is really a long and strange trip.  I can think back to being a teen, graduating 8^th grade and helping out (more like working) at the family auto parts store.  With a love for cars, a thirst for learning and being that person who liked fixing things…I gravitated to wanting to be there all the time. During high school, I would take a bus that would drop me near the store and I would work till closing.  My Grandmother or parents would get me and I would do homework later in the evenings.  As a young adult this time went by so fast.  From the time that I started sweeping the floor and learning to look up parts in the “books”; to running the store 6 days a week.  The dream was to build a life out of that business and settle in Howell.  To raise a family and watch my kids grow up.  Man did that story end quickly.  By leaving the family business, going to work at Pep Boys and then on to so many other jobs…I had realized that there was more to life then just Howell, NJ.

What have I done in those 55 years, that got me to this point in life?    I have been saying for some time now that I really need to write a “book”.  That my experiences from 15 to 55 have been more than unique.  That they would seem to some people as fiction…not circumstances that happen or facts.  I have said to myself a few times…” Man this is crazy. How did I get to do some of the things that I have done in my life?” My only answer to this is… I just tried.  I told myself that I would just go out there and try to figure it out.  Most don’t know I did not attend college. But I have two masters from the “school of hard knocks” and a PhD in “learning the hard way”.  And these degrees did not come easy nor without heartache.   I have done everything from working on cars; to doing lite masonry, installing sprinkler systems, auto parts counter person, retail manager and bar bouncer.  My IT career came when I had hit the bottom of the abyss.  When I told myself that I had to change or die at a young age.  At 23, I would have never thought at I would make to 55 or much past that age.  But here I am.  The story is too long to write in a blog or FB post.  But there is a part of me that wants or needs to tell the story, because I feel it needs to be told.

Who am I?  This is a question that I think most people ask themselves at some point in their lives.  Maybe its human nature that people look inward to see “who or what” they are. Or at the very least they ask the question.  Some don’t get an answer.  The few that do get an answer or that try to get answers by doing something in their life; are people that want better for themselves.  They go forward (sometimes blindly) and TRY!  This is something that I have instilled in my son.  I have explained to him that he only needs to TRY.  Try a new food. Try to help someone. Try to be better at something.  But most of all never stop TRYING.   I have been trying to be someone my whole life.  But I am realizing as I move in to the latter part of life, that I am someone.  The guy with the big heart. The man who wanted to be a best friend.  The best man at a wedding. The guy who you could call and ask for help.  The father that wants to raise a son to be a better person than he is. That guy who can make you laugh and fill your heart with love & joy.  Maybe someday spending the second half of my life trying to be a partner with a good woman.

Am I the same person that I was in this photo below (High School graduation)?   

I don’t remember if I truly believed that my plan to have a successful auto parts and repair business would have come to fruition.  However, I did know that I wanted to learn about both cars and computers.  The realization that I didn’t want to work on cars for a living came while eating lunch at the auto parts store.  While biting into a sandwich from a local shop (I think it was called Rocky’s) I had looked down at my hands.  They were black and dirty… I had just washed them.  I looked at my sandwich. What was ever on my hands… was now on my sandwich.  At the time, I was too hungry (yes… disgusting I know) to realize what I was ingesting (brake dust, grease, oil & parts cleaner). But later, it hit me.  Did I really want to be that guy?  Before you think that I feel I am above those who are mechanics or tradesmen… I am not.  And I completely respect those who make their living in any hands-on trade.  We need more people that can build things today.  Not lawyers or doctors.  But I knew that I wanted to something different.  Little did I know, this moment would change my world and put me on the path to TRYING.

What about this photo… who is that guy?

This photo captures a man that was interested in taking on the world and making a life out of what he was doing right in the point in time.  It was soon after that photo was taken that my personal life would change. That I would become a man I didn’t want to be.  That heartache would tear me apart.  That choices I made would haunt me for years. 

To think about it now… leads to this question. Would have I changed anything that I have done from 15 to 55?  Well I can answer that by saying… If I did, I would not have my son today.  And that I would not have the experinces I have gone though.  The travel I have done. The career path that has kept me in IT for 30 plus years.  Nor the people that I have met along the journey thus far.

Turning 55 is a point in time. The point where most are retiring or slowing a little.  Having been though a rough divorce and a son who still needs to be put through college; I will be working till I can no longer breath (I might be even working in the next life).  But I can say with certainty that I want to see the next 45 years and spend as much time as I can taking it all in. To watch my son become the man he wants to be. And to find that happiness that will allow me to be a better man and partner.